PHOEBE'S POV

My name would win by a wide margin if there were a Landlords of Calgary Convention and an award for Worst Landlord of a Multi-Unit Building. I put a Band-Aid on the cut I got on my thumb while attempting to clear the pipes beneath my bathroom sink, cursing his name for the hundredth time in the past thirty minutes. It would be disastrous if Stanley did his job and called a plumber for me. Since I moved into my tiny flat in the South Shore area. Each time, it took Stanley weeks to fix anything broken. But being the kid of workaholic parents, I'm nothing if not independent and self-reliant. By searching Google and suppressing my girlie squeamishness at the ick factor of both, I was able to fix my garbage disposal and replace the tank assembly in my toilet. Although neither situation had been pleasant, the joy of a job well done and a hot shower couldn't make up for it. Regretfully, I won't be adding my dumb bathroom sink pipes to that list of achievements anytime soon. I'm not sure if the lesser-known supervillain rust Man welded the slide nuts in place .In any case, those jerks won't back down for a mortal woman who hasn't used a pipe wrench much.With my hands on my hips, I scowl at the sink's standing water, hoping it will suddenly go. I jump when my phone rings and jog into the living room, grab the cell, and then flop down on the couch to respond. "Hey, you," to Amby Powell, my bestie. "Shouldn't you be working through the night?" Amby quips sarcastically, "Even though it's only seven o'clock, I'm sure I'll still be here when midnight comes around." "Are you working on your thesis ?" I chuckle. Papers be damned. I've spent the last two years working on my thesis on social work and I'm almost finished. The final step in earning my dual degree is turning it in. Then, instead of earning pitiful earnings as an intern and part-time waitress, I can finally land a job in my field and start earning some real money. no," I reply. "I've only been able to pinch my thumb while attempting to clear the blockage in my bathroom sink. Fortunately, I was able to stop the bleeding before it spread across the floor. "Good thing, because I'll kill you myself if you pass away before I reunite with my fun friend." "Do you realize what I adore about you?" With a heavy dose of irony, I enquire. It's because when you threaten me, it makes perfect sense. That, in my opinion, is what makes you the greatest attorney ever. And I'm honored that you find that admirable about me. Additionally, you keep telling me that I'm the greatest lawyer ever rather than admitting that I'm a pitiful one. I won't be getting any cases of my own anytime soon from this guy's club of a law company. "It's absurd. I confidently add, "It's just a matter of time until they recognize your genius and offer you a partner. "Wait—when did I stop being your "fun" friend? I'm entertaining. "Really? How recently have you gone out? For amusement. Not for work, school, or any other soul-crushing endeavor. For example, to a fucking baseball game, a bar, or a dancing club? To be honest, I can't recall the last time I went out to mingle. I've spent time with Amby , but it was more about Netflix and lunch dates than it was about going out to clubs and dancing. "Um." "Exactly," adds Amby . Alright, so she is correct. Since I haven't had a social life in a long time and a sexual life for even longer, I'm glad she didn't bring up that specific titbit. I may have been unaware of my recent hermit status, but I'm acutely aware of how long it's been since I've found fulfillment outside of myself. I don't have time to devote to a relationship after finishing my master's degree in two years rather than three and substituting work hours for school hours. Even while I'm all for one-night encounters or casual flings, the few ventures I'd made weren't worth it.I made the decision after my last disappointing sex to never drop for anyone else unless I were certain it would be worth the agony of having a cruel woman with hot wax strips tear out my pubic hair by the roots. I have started regularly visiting online porn while I waited for Mr. MindBlowing-In-The-Sack. Yes, exactly. I confess to being addicted to porn. Don't pass judgment on me. It completes the task. I can be turned on in a matter of minutes with the correct video. Then, depending on how I'm feeling, I'll either watch a few to increase the suspense or just jump right in and get off in what I refer to as an "express O." Done, bing, bam, boom. However, as I have stated, I am not yet prepared to share it with anybody. Not even Amby. That girl is all for owning your freak flag and letting it fly, so I don't think she'll judge me. However, I would unavoidably be asked if I watch it frequently (multiple times a week), what kind of pornography I prefer (the rougher, the better), and if I have a favourite porn star? Thank you very much, but I'd prefer not to get into the graphic specifics of how I deal with my sexual issues. "What do you call it when a lawyer acts like a jerk?" My bestie is the one I ask. Is it disdain? I oppose you being found in contempt of court. You're making a mistake. I need someone to fix my pipes right now, not a good time. She quips, "Yeah, your lady pipes." "It's likely that everything is as rusted down there as it is beneath your sink." Actually, it's very likely since I don't use any kind of dildo.I laugh despite myself and say, "All right, that's it. I'm hanging up." I have to do something other than chat with you right now, and you have to return to work. Amby gives a big sigh and gives in. "All right, joy killer. Does this imply that you won't take the number of a handyman who came highly recommended? The phrase "highly recommended" makes me sit up a bit more straight and alert. You would think that since I grew up in the digital age, I would believe in internet reviews of goods and services. However, items on the internet can be purchased or falsified. I'd much rather believe someone I know, and I'm prepared to call my uncle and end this whole thing. "Who suggested him?" One of our paralegals is Linda. He's worth every penny and more, she claimed. Her exact words, in my opinion, were "the best." I pick up the pen and writing pad from the side table since that seems good. "All right, what is the number? Tomorrow, I will phone him. "Give me a moment; I have another call coming in. Hold on. The line became silent with a click. As I recline on the couch, I gaze at the spidery ceiling paint, loving how the larger cracks spread out carelessly. I say to Amby, "All right," as she call back . I'm prepared for my miracle plumber's number. She responds, "No need." "I just paid in advance over the phone. Think of it as an early birthday gift. He will arrive in approximately one hour. "What? On a Friday night, it is too late for anyone to be making house calls. "All right. Because on weekdays, everyone's stuff only breaks between eight and five. Amby enjoys sarcasm as much as I do. We form such wonderful friendships in part because of that. "I see what you're saying, but you still shouldn't have called. "It will be six months before my birthday." Thus, it's a half-birthday gift. Have you never been warned not to scrutinise a gift-friend? Read a book, tweeze your eyebrows, and sip on some wine. As long as you let the individual to perform his job duties when he arrives, I don't care. "Yes, Mother," I reply, rolling my eyes audibly. However, I end with a heartfelt "Thanks, Amby." You're very welcome, sweetie. Oh, and don't forget to give me a call tomorrow to share all the juicy facts. Ciao! She ends the call before I can say anything about how absurd it is that anything involving a middle-aged man with plumber's crack is "juicy." It dawns on me now that I never even got the man's name or his company. I consider calling her again to enquire, but decide it's not a huge issue. There is very little chance that someone will appear by accident while posing as a handyman in disguise. After a demanding week, I'm now craving the glass of wine Amby described. I exhale deeply, get up, and go to the kitchen, where I have a bottle of red wine open. I'm going to follow my friend's suggestion for once and read a book and have a glass of wine while I wait for the "best ever handyman" to show up and get to work. I'm eager to have my pipes mended now that I know assistance is on the way.